Code Geass Funnies
by Cal reflector
Summary: One shots exploring the lighter side of Code Geass. Chapter Four: After doujins, Lelouch's rebellion is undone by Pizza.
1. Schneizel the Brilliant

It is a well known fact that, as far as specimens of the male species go, Schneizel El Britannia was perfect nearly to a fault

He was a Duke, the second Prince of Britannia, learned, courteous, charming, handsome, and wealthy; the last two traits being nearly as important as the first two on the bustling marriage market of the Empire's upper crust. He was also famously compassionate, being on the board of the Committee to End Fox Hunting and active in numerous charities benefiting the lower classes and numbered peoples. It was said in hushed tones amongst the landed and leisurely that the young populist statesman was the front runner to the throne, a claim supported by the controlling Emperor's extraordinary lack of oversight over the arrangement of his marriage and other personal decisions, the same of which could not be said for the eldest Prince. His brother Prince Clovis once remarked on a party to a circle of amused listeners that such was his brother's flawlessness, "… even his fart smelled a fresh mixture of pine, sandalwood, and Myrrh; should I collect and market the scent, the world's perfumers would undoubtedly go out of business."

We can infer from the statement that Prince Clovis, never one to employ base diction even during his cruel streaks, was either under the influence of alcohol or brotherly envy, but the validity of his point, so eloquently made, remains.

Lady Hastings, wife of Earl of Hastings, whose daughter of age eighteen stood behind her with a fan shielding her face abashedly, suggested that surely the Chancellor hid a vice or two from the curious public, as no man is complete without them.

Schneizel only smiled.

--

He came across the idea one afternoon when he chanced upon the Einstein girl, alone in the corner of the science lab that frequently doubled as her bedroom. The girl sat hunched over her desk, fervently at work and unaware of his presence even as he stood behind her. His eyebrows rose delicately when he saw that she was not in fact working on the project for which she was being sponsored, but an artwork of some sort. A few minutes later, sufficiently intrigued, he gently tapped her on the shoulder.

Nina whirled around in her lab chair, eyes wide with fear and hair unkempt from keeping an irregular schedule. It took her several seconds before she realized she was threatening her benefactor with the sharp tip of her fountain pen, from which ink threatened to drip onto the front of his expensive shirt. "My Lord, I'm very sorry! If you would but let me explain…"

Schneizel smiled disarmingly, calming the deranged girl, who had been adjusting poorly to life at the Palace after leaving her old life behind. He picked up the several pages she had drafted and began to go through them as Nina's cheeks turned the color of apples, fidgeting in her seat. A minute later, he turned to her. "… These wouldn't happen to represent the truth, would they?"

"No! It is purely a work of fiction, though many of us like to imagine that it is otherwise, and share our enthusiasm by producing and sharing works of this nature." She didn't mention her ulterior motive; that the work was an outlet for her personal and intense loathing of the subjects involved.

Recognizing that his upbringing in the palace sometimes led him to be less exposed to trends of the outside world, Schneizel considered the discovery he had made, his famously clever mind already thinking multiple moves ahead to the probable outcome of the scheme in the making. Finally, he replaced the drafts on the table and to Nina's great surprise, laid his hand upon her shoulder. "Continue and finish this project of yours, Ms. Einstein."

Expecting admonishment, Nina could only blink in confusion. "But My Lord, what about my present assignment? The ninth generation knightmares…"

"You will be excused from them until the completion of the one to which I'm assigning you." He gave her a reassuring pat on the back before turning to leave. "Your efforts here will contribute much more to the defeat of Zero than your previous work."

And the Great Prince left the lab, satisfied with the knowledge that he could have given no better motivation to the girl than he just did.

--

Weeks later, as Lelouch Vi Britannia walked down a hallway inside Ashford Academy, he sensed that something was amiss. Girls giggled and blushed and spoke in whispers when he walked by, more than usual perhaps, but that was not what bothered him. What struck him was that the boys were also whispering when they spotted him, often with odd glances or muffled snickers; it was a decidedly uncomfortable feeling.

He entered the student council room to find his colleagues assembled as if waiting for his arrival, adding to his discomfort. "Is something the matter?"

He glanced at Rivalz, who averted his gaze and pretended to look out the window. Kallen sat at the meeting table, turning through pages of a periodical, looking on the verge of tears as her shoulders trembled. Rolo looked homicidal, which was only slightly different from his usual demeanor, but Lelouch could tell the difference. Shirley was merely embarrassed, but Milly's expression was one of mixed disappointment and anger, though at whom he could not tell; she was the one who spoke to him first. "Have a seat, Lelouch."

He did, his old friend's use of his full name slightly unnerving him. She placed a comic before him and then crossed her arms, waiting for him to open it. He did, wondering why he and Suzaku were featured on the violet colored cover, his brows knitting after the first few pages until the look of consternation turned to horror and he made the same noise (in rising volume) as when Arthur made off with his mask with every turn of the page. When he was done, the doujin in his hands was nearly in shreds as he tried to instill calm and nonchalance in his shaking voice. "This is a fabrication, obviously. Someone is out to spoil my reputation."

"But for what purpose? Just because you're popular with the ladies isn't enough reason for someone to portray you in an act of intercourse with Suza…" Rivalz's face turned green at the recollection of the X-rated scene and fled to the bathroom, from where retching sounds were soon heard.

Kallen sniffled, doing an Oscar-worthy impersonation of her sickly school alter-ego without any effort, as her distraught was genuine. Life had not treated Kallen Statdfield kindly, thus she was used to disappointment, but knowing that she had twice fallen in love with an (apparently) gay man was a particularly harsh blow.

Shirley rubbed her back comfortingly. Meanwhile, Rolo was sharpening his knife as though it were a pencil. "I don't believe any of it. This," He held up a copy of the doujin and deftly cut it into confetti, "Is nothing but rubbish that could only come from a demented mind."

"Rolo…" Lelouch smiled, his black heart flooded with gratitude at the one person who appeared to still believe him.

"Brother would never settle for bottom, much less allow himself to be strung up in this delici… I meant, lewd fashion."

All charitable feelings Lelouch had for his fake sibling vanished as he returned to regarding him as no more than a rag. Between dread over Nunally discovering the material (momentarily forgetting that she was blind) and thoughts of setting the world on fire, he found himself folded into a embrace, his senses instantly filled with the sunny smell and soft sensations of warm nubile woman; the black feelings began to recede and he felt himself begin to relax in spite of himself. Milly caressed the back of his head gently, the feeling of her fingers gliding through his hair a great source of comfort to the troubled Prince. "Shh… everything will be alright. I'm sorry about all this."

"It's not your fault, Pres… Milly."

She smiled at the boy's use of her given name and continued her soothing ministrations. "If only I had let go of my inhibitions and reached out to you sooner, none of this would have happened."

"Milly?" He looked up to her. She cupped his face in her hands, and though the infinite tenderness behind her clear blue eyes reassured him, Lelouch could not help the chill down his spine when he saw the tip of her tongue dart out over her bottom lip.

"I am going to teach you the pleasures only a woman could offer."

He tried to protest; he wished to point out to his childhood friend (whom he could never refuse) the inappropriateness of her proposed course of action, how disappointed her parents would be, how he was inexperienced and might they take things just a bit slower, but all that came out was an audible gulp and the stupid-sounding words, "Here? Now?"

Somewhere, he knew C.C. was rolling in pitiless laughter.

Milly smiled brightly, her words a promising purr. "Wherever, for however long it takes."

--

Back at the party, Schneizel recalled the events that followed with a satisfied smile; through the extensive spy network and monitoring equipment planted throughout Ashford Academy and Area Eleven, he learned that not only had the circulation of Nina's doujins caused the collapse of the morale and subsequent disintegration of the Black Knights, the strategy also had the unforeseen benefit of ushering Lelouch (whom he had always been very fond of) into manhood with help from a very nice girl.

_Surely, Lady Marianne can rest in peace now._

Returning his attention to Lady Hastings and her daughter, the brilliant Schneizel took a sip of champagne to congratulate himself once more on his best move yet before replying in perfect honesty that he had an incurable penchant for practical jokes, especially on his younger siblings.

The honorable Lady, unaware of all the facts, only gushed in return over how wonderful it was for the children of the royal family to get along so well.

* * *

Author's Notes: The alternate title for this piece was "Lelouch the Uke," but I was afraid that would have driven away some readers (while probably attracting others). I like this story very much, despite being a tried and true formula which I have written for at least two other fandoms. I believe this is about as tasteful as I could make a story involving Yaoi and Lelouch, but then any fic would benefit in the tastefulness category by starring the brilliant Schneizel.

I'm going to return to writing the main story now. In the future, when I want a break from all the ambition and glory and epic nonsense, I will add more one-shots to this title. Until next time.


	2. Saishuu Heiki Kanojo

It was a dark and stormy night. In a cavern deep beneath the Fuji Mountains—where weather was hardly an issue thus making the dark and stormy weather redundant—was a secret base belonging to the Order of the Black Knights. There, assembled at a long table with Zero at their head were all the fearless revolutionaries on whose shoulders rested the fate of Japan and the world. Gloved hands folded neat beneath his chin, the youth scanned over the faces of those present with his razor-like vision. "Gentlemen, we have a problem."

A flash of lightning was followed immediately by a thunder clap from the cinematic projector and surround sound system installed in the meeting room, for Lelouch liked to emphasize his point at meetings.

"The rebellion has failed?"

"Domino's took over Pizza Hut in a hostile bid?"

"You're actually a girl aren't you?"

"My embezzling of the order's funds has been found out? Because I swear I was merely trying to recruit those cabaret girls…"

"Shut up, Tamaki." Zero shook his head and slapped his hand against his mask, except there was no mask, so he ended up with a fist socked into his one good eye. When his pride had recovered sufficiently, he pounded the table and stood up. "It's Kallen, dammit! In case all of you have forgotten, she's been captured."

A collective sigh passed around the table; there were even a few chuckles exchanged. "Oh quit scaring us, for a moment I thought something really serious had occurred."

"This is serious! Without our number one ace we've as much chance of defeating Britannia as Tohdoh is likely to get laid."

"Um…"

"Not a word from you, Nagisa." He turned from the simpering female pilot back to the table. "Since it's unlikely that we'll be able to recover Kallen in the short term, our most immediate task is to find a substitute pilot for the Guren. Now does anyone…"

"Me, me, me! Pick me, Zero!"

A vein slowly protruded from Lelouch's right temple as he turned his gaze towards Tamaki, who was positively blushing as he waved his arm. "No, and I'll give you three reasons why. One, your piloting skills suck."

"Wait a…"

"In fact, you have no skills. Heaven knows why I keep you; comic relief perhaps. Second, no one wants to see you straddle the Guren while donning a red formfitting jump suit."

C.C's face turned slightly the color of her hair. "Excuse me while I purge that image from my mind."

"And third, well, do you really need to hear the last one?"

Apparently not, for Tamaki had run wailing out the door with snot and tears streaming from his face. Lelouch smirked in satisfaction, hoping he would not return. "Now, is there anyone _more_ _qualified_ who wishes to pilot the Guren?"

This time heads at the table turned back and forth a bit until Asahina, one of the Two (Formerly Four) Holy Swords, raised his hand. "I could give it a try."

"Reason two." Zero shook his head in frustration. "Come now, are you telling me that in the absence of Kallen we can't muster one babe with superior piloting skills?"

"Uh, nope."

"Britannia pretty much has a monopoly on those."

"Our Rebellion is doomed."

"…I am surrounded by defeatists and imbeciles."

Just when Lelouch considered adjourning the meeting so he could return to his Happy Room full of Nunally pinups to recuperate, the door to the meeting room slid open and in walked the Maid, balancing two silver trays of cookies, sandwiches, cups and pots stacked three feet high. "Good evening, everyone, I've brought some refreshments and tea stuffs."

"This isn't the best time…"

Before the young leader could finish his sentence the maid caught her feet on a protruding cable, sending her cargo flying towards the nearest victim—Tohdoh. As the pecan chip and egg salad and boiling hot chocolate with marshmallows descended upon the commander (and only good pilot left in the Order) like an avalanche, scenes of his precious rebellion flashed before Lelouch's eyes. And then, in a blur too fast for the human eye to follow, every morsel and saucer was swept from midair and rearranged impeccably back onto the two trays. Sayoko set down the platters and smiled professionally as though nothing had ever been amiss. "Coffee or tea?"

A moment's silence turned into a minute before Lelouch snapped to, a brilliant scheme forming in his mind. "Sayoko, how would you like to pilot the Guren?"

"Oh I couldn't possibly."

"Nonsense." The young man rose and walked across the room to the maid, wrapping one arm around her petite shoulders cordially. "I have been watching you for sometime now, and I have never seen anyone move with such precision and grace. You have a gift, Shinozaki-san, and it would be a crime to not put it to good use."

Sayoko glanced at her employer and blushed with pleasure. "Well, if master Lelouch says so, I suppose it would not hurt to give it a try…"

_One week later_

The lush rolling hills just outside of the Britannian capital was transformed into a scorched and cratered killing field; bits and pieces of Sutherlands, Glouceseters, and Vincents numbering in the tens of thousands dotted the plain as far as the eye could see. Sitting in the cockpit of the transforming knightmare frame Tristan, Gino Weinberg guarded the great gates to the Emperor's palace along with Anya Alstreim and Suzaku Kururugi. He had been trying to raise the other members of the Knights of the Round who had sallied forth to meet the unknown threat for the last five minutes. "Monica! Luciano! Respond damn it! Is anyone still alive?"

"To think that the rebels could come this far…" Suzaku gritted his teeth. At that moment, a video transmission over open wavelengths appeared on the screens of all three pilots. It was the Knight of One, bleeding from a gash on the forehead. "Lord Bismarck, are you alright? What is the situation? How many foes are there?"

The quality of the transmission was poor; sparks were seen flying in the background of the veteran knight's cockpit. "… One."

Gino's voice was one of dismay and disbelief. "One? We're facing one enemy? That's impossible!"

The transmission became erratic, the elder man's distorted, gravelly voice unsettling the three young knights' already frayed nerves. "The red one… monster… run away…"

A blinding flash filled the screen and the transmission became static; in the far distance, a giant plume of smoke rose into the sky turned red with flames. "Knight of One! Knight of One! He's gone. This can't be happening…"

Suzaku tightened his grip around the controls. "Lelouch… what terrible weapon have you unleashed?"

Miles away, in the cockpit of the invulnerable knightmare frame Shinkiro, Zero was giddy with high pitched villainous laughter. "Kyahahaha! I should have done this from the very first day. Go forth, my angel of death. Go forth, my Ninja Maid of destruction. Annihilate all! Crush them like ants!"

The image of Sayoko appeared on Lelouch's heads up display. "Did you say something, my lord?"

Lelouch regained his composure in a blink of an eye. "Nothing my dear, except what a fine job you're doing."

Sayoko smiled shyly. "I've spotted three different looking enemies up ahead. Shall I take care of them as well?"

The young man glanced at the footage on his screen and grinned. "Yes, but try to leave the white one for last. I would like you to prolong its suffering if you can."

"I shall do my best."

As he watched the Guren fly away towards its next set of victims, Lelouch sat back in his seat, well pleased with his brilliance at spotting and employing talent. "What now, father? Didn't see this one coming did you? Soon mother will be avenged, Nunally will be mine, and the world shall be my oyster!"

Thus, having obtained absolute power in the form of Sayoko, Lelouch achieved all his initial goals and more, pressing on to launch a global campaign of conquest in the name of creating a better world for his little sister, proving the old saying that absolute power further corrupts those who had already been corrupt to begin with.

* * *

Author's Notes: Aside from the absence of Schneizel this was just not as good a story as my first chapter, so I apologize, sincerely, for this not very original piece. The title of the chapter is actually the name of another manga and anime which translates into "Final Weapon Girl(friend)." Or, in English, "She, the Ultimate Weapon," which works even better.


	3. The Debut of Lelouch Lamperouge

Title: The Debut of Lelouch Lamperouge (Alternative Titles: Oh brother my brother, the Fabulous Clovis)  
Written for: Vicks111  
Characters: Clovis, Lelouch, Schneizel.  
Genre: Siblings, Comedy, Romance.  
Length: 2400 Words  
Author's Notes: AU, takes place in a kinder more gentle world where no misfortune befalls Lelouch and everyone mostly gets along.

* * *

The eleventh prince of Britannia was troubled. Much had been on his mind of late, and he had hoped that a rare lunch recess away from friends and foe alike might give him the space needed to collect his thoughts and strategize.

But fate had never been considerate to him, certainly not as much as the admiring galleries on the nationally televised chess matches he played in, for at that very moment the Most Honorable Amelia Von Richtoffen, a Duke's daughter three years older than he and Queen Bee of the campus was sitting next to him on the grass beneath the swaying tree while three of her lady friends stood by, ignorant of the prince's discomfort from her proximity and her sensual perfume. "So, Lelouch, have you thought of who you wish to dance with at the Ball?"

The Ashford Academy Autumn Invitational was given each year to the students and alumni of the most prestigious secondary school in Britannia. For many of the Empire's most distinguished persons—princes and heiresses and admirals and capitalists—the event marked the occasion of their debut into Society and all that that entailed. So it would be for Lelouch this year.

"I can understand your trepidation. It is your first time after all, and I thought it would be best if there was someone experienced such as myself to guide you through." The baroness' sentence curled to end on a suggestive whisper, prompting her girl friends to giggle as Lelouch lowered his gaze and struggled to remain unflustered; he had no doubt that had Amelia been born a boy she would be the school bully. _If only_, he thought to himself, _at least one is allowed to flee from a bully without irrevocably destroying his reputation._

Just as the elder girl's silken noose of feminine guile was about to close around the hapless youth, help arrived in a most unexpected form, surrounded by a metaphorical background of roses and sparkles. "Lelouch, I miss you for a fortnight and where do I find you but alone in the midst of such loveliness! I should have expected no less from my brother."

"Clovis!" Lelouch exclaimed as the third prince returned the girls' hasty curtsies with a perfectly dramatic bow. "Where did you come from?"

"Well see, I was busy drafting designs for a new botanical garden in the Governor's Palace over in Area 11 when I saw the calendar and thought to myself, 'Clovis old ham, it's nearly time for Lelouch's debut as a full fledged adult!' So I commandeered the next flight out and here I am." The third prince pointed to the silken parachute peeking out from his backpack; he had jumped from a speeding plane at 10,000 feet and yet there was not a wrinkle to be found on his white jacket nor a single golden strand of hair out of place. Lelouch had to admit it was nothing short of remarkable, even if the feat was, like so many of his elder brother's acts, pointless. He was grateful nonetheless however.

The feeling of gratitude was short lived as Clovis took his hand and turned to address his pursuers. "Now if you ladies will excuse us, my brother and I have some urgent bonding scheduled for this afternoon."

"What? But classes are still…"

"Classes mashes, our sibling quality time cannot wait!"

Bowling over his protests, Clovis pulled Lelouch to his feet and began dragging him towards the carriage that was waiting twenty yards away.

Half an hour later, the pair relaxed in the private sitting room of the Chancellor as an effeminate man served them tea and things on silver and china. Clovis took a sip and raised his cup in salute, "Is this what I have been missing while serving abroad? My good fellow, this tea is superb!"

With a crisp bow Kanon left the office. Seated behind the grand mahogany desk, Schneizel continued to browse through an official document until Clovis tapped the crystal sugar bowl with his spoon impatiently. "Big brother, if it's not too much to ask, might you put aside those letters and join us?"

Lelouch looked accusingly at his impertinent sibling. "Seeing how Schneizel has actual work to do, I think we're imposing enough as it is."

"No, it's quite alright. It's just politics anyways." Rising from his seat, Schneizel removed and set aside his reading glasses and joined his two younger brothers, smiling as he received a saucer and cup from Lelouch. "But one only experiences youth once in a lifetime, so I believe Clovis has done the right thing to confer this gathering."

Finding himself in the minority, Lelouch fell into a slight sulking mood; it was as often that Schneizel took his side in his quarrels with Clovis than not, but today would not be one of those days. "I still don't understand why we're having this meeting."

"Of course, I nearly forgot. Schneizel, have you got what I asked for?"

The second prince produced a thick binder and placed it on the tea table. Lelouch took one look at the title stripe and nearly spat out his tea. "What is this?"

"Well, as the cover clearly says, it is a scouting report on your female acquaintances and marriage candidates."

"Scouting report? Marriage? This is absurd, have the two of you been spying on me?"

"Spying? Us? Never!" Clovis covered his heart and made a wounded expression. "All we did was order MI6 to find out everything about the girls in your life."

"That's spying! Haven't you any respect for people's privacy?"

"We are public figures, Lelouch. Even without Clovis' efforts every stage of your life would come under scrutiny. Surely you know this." Schneizel replaced his cup on the plate. "Once a possible heir to the throne comes of age the Intelligence Service begins to compile data on members of his or her circle, both for security and social considerations. The dossiers on Clovis for example occupy their own wing in the archives."

Lelouch raised a brow at his brother, who grinned haughtily. "What can I say? Beauty is a sin, dear brother, and many are those who have fallen for mine."

The eleventh prince fumed for a bit, then sighed in defeat as his shoulders sagged. "And? What do you plan on doing with this?"

Clovis clicked his tongue. "You are mistaken; big brother and I won't be doing anything. It is YOU who will be making use of this data."

"What?"

Readily producing a perfect rosebud from his inner breast pocket, Clovis launched into his banquet-speech mode. "Our goal—and the purpose of this meeting—is to facilitate your splash into society by providing you with everything you need to know in order to seize the hearts of all of Ashford Academy's finest in the upcoming ball. This here, my friend," and the prince patted the binder for emphasis, "contains every measurement, like, dislike, peeve, hobby, and psychological profile of every eligible young lady in Ashford Academy whom you have had contact with. Think of it as a cheat sheet to romantic conquest."

Lelouch frowned at the expression as Schneizel smiled bemusedly before continuing. "Clovis has also proposed that we serve as your tutors regarding courtship, although I'm sure he'll have more to say on the subject than I."

"Because big brother has never had to chase a lady before, whereas I have written books on the topic."

When Clovis saw that his younger brother remained skeptical, he flipped open the binder. "Look, let's give it a try. Kallen Stadtfeld, age sixteen. An S rank as far as face and figure goes, but she has an odd temperament. At school she is sickly, docile, and demure while at home she is quick-tempered, slovenly, has a ravenous appetite and can bench press more than twice her own weight. One analyst thinks she's bipolar, but the rest believe—and I agree—that she's merely going through that delicate phase which all girls must go through."

Lelouch sneered. "I'm aware of all that already. None of this gives me an advantage in any way."

"I'm just coming to that! She has an incurable weakness for cold, charismatic men in masks and dark capes, physical feebleness a plus… " Clovis closed the binder. "Well, we need not look further; clearly she's the one for you."

"That's a lie, I am not feeble! I am merely out of shape." The eleventh prince turned as red as a cherry before he realized that he protested too much and continued in a quieter but still simmering tone. "How did MI6 come up with this anyways? It boggles the mind."

"Never underestimate Britannian Intelligence."

Clovis tapped his own forehead and winked at his brother, underscoring a point that missed Lelouch by a mile. He sank into the sofa as though the air had been let out of him and pressed his hands to his head; a migraine had begun to form. "Is all this really necessary?"

"Necessary! Nothing could be more important!" Rising to his feet and placing both hands over his brother's shoulder, Clovis' expression became grave with purpose. "Imagine if you were to fail in striking a favorable first impression upon the ladies two nights from now, the opportunities for promotion and profitable friendships that would be lost forever. Father did not rise to the top by just being popular with men, you know."

And Lelouch was finally convinced.

****

On the evening of the ball, the two elder siblings found themselves challenged with the task of keeping their presence low-key while staying within visible proximity of their younger brother—no easy task, when both were celebrities in their own rights. Fortunately the theme of the ball was a masquerade, and the two were able to achieve anonymity with an outfit made up of a sinister cape and a mask-helmet that resembled a goldfish bowl; a Zero Suit, from the name of the titular antihero of a popular children's cartoon that aired every Saturday morning. Thus disguised, Clovis and Schneizel discreetly shadowed their sibling—except they were not discreet at all, since the fashionably bankrupt outfit made the pair stand out like an eyesore amongst the more sensibly attired crowd. As Lelouch reached to adjust his bowtie for the third time that evening, Clovis, speaking through the microphone built into the helmet, immediately corrected his brother's behavior. "Stop that! Fidgeting in front of a lady is a fatal sign of weakness. You might as well raise the white colors and be done with it."

Lelouch winced from the voice booming into his earpiece; his nervousness was as much a product of his approaching moment of truth as the fact that Clovis was lecturing him on strategy. "Sorry."

"Now, the first dance is set to begin in five minutes. Hurry along and find a partner." Clovis sighed as Lelouch moved off, the bottom portion of his facemask conveniently sliding open as he raised a glass of sparkling wine to his lips. "I'm afraid I shall lose hairs to whiteness before this evening is over."

Schneizel smiled as he watched Lelouch weave his way through the dance floor, apologizing and excusing himself as he searched in a roomful of people for the one. "It shan't be as bad as that. We've rehearsed with him plenty, now it's just up to him to find his own way."

"I would feel more at ease if only he told us who he had in mind to… well, look there." A short distance away, in a relatively secluded area near the door to the atrium stood a girl with gold shoulder-length curls dressed in an elegant purple dress and her gloved hands folded before her. "I remember her from the files, but the name escapes me."

"Millicent Clara Ashford, a second year who works with Lelouch in the student council. She's the favorite granddaughter of the Ashford Foundation's chairman." Schneizel raised a brow when a trio of young men approached the young lady, received a smile that managed to be both charming and apologetic, and walked away. "That makes ten who have tried and failed to ask her to dance."

Clovis appraised the young woman with his expert eye. "Indeed. That one is certain to blossom into a striking beauty, already is." The corner of Clovis' lips curved upwards in approval when he saw Lelouch notice and make towards the girl. "And it seems that for once, my baby brother agrees with me."

"Or he may just be seeking the refuge of a familiar face."

"A familiar face who declined ten invitations in order to wait for him," Remarked the third prince as Milly accepted Lelouch's offered hand and the pair made their way towards the dance floor. "Perhaps we have worried ourselves over nothing after all."

"To our brother and his good fortune with the ladies in his life." Undoing and slipping off their masks, with the effect of catching the attention of all the delighted ladies around them who instantly gravitated towards the glittering pair like bees drawn towards nectar, Schneizel and Clovis raised and touched their champagne flutes in a toast as the orchestra began to play the first waltz.


	4. Pizza

**Pizza**

It was a bright and sunny morning. Hovering high above the pristine Hawaiian Islands amongst idyllic white clouds was the _Damocles_, the floating fortress belonging to Schneizel El Britannia, Chancellor of the Holy Britannian Empire. Some men own jets, some have yachts, Schneizel had a five-star, Michelin-rated, planet-destroying, eco-friendly, LEED Platinum-certified flying fortress. In addition to heavy armament including CIWS gun turrets and nuclear anti-matter missiles-of-mass-destruction, the _Damocles _also boasted a day spa, a videogame arcade, an ice cream parlor, a staff dedicated to ensuring guests a perfectly comfortable stay, and was recently featured on Rick Steve's hit TV and book series, "Britannia through the Back Door," as one of the best kept secret attractions of the Empire. Tragically, the popular travel guide passed away in an accident shortly after the episode aired, but we digress.

Assembled on board in the scenic Coffee Room around a long mahogany table were members of the Knights of the Round, the strongest, most fearsome warriors in His Majesty's Realm. Gloved hand resting beneath his sharply defined chin, Schneizel lifted his Wedgwood teacup to savor the wafting aroma of his Darjeeling. "Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to our biannual retreat. We're running a little late, but please, relax and take your time to finish your meals. Then we'll start."

Gino Weinberg, having put away his food in a hurry, stretched back in his chair and looked about the room: Across the table, Dorothea Ernst and Monica Kruszewski dined on a doctor-recommended menu: Colorful fruit salad, grapefruit and carrot juice, boiled egg and seven grain bread. While Monica seemed perfectly happy with this spread (Gino suspected she was a vegetarian, or some offshoot thereof), Dorothea munched in a way that implied the herbivorous selection—notwithstanding the hard boiled egg—left much to be desired. This was confirmed by the Knight of Four's glances of mixed longing and envy at her friend and neighbor Nonette Enneagram, who was wolfing down a full Irish Breakfast of black pudding, bacon, ham, fried potatoes, mushrooms, baked beans, pancakes, and a three egg omelet. "Why aren't you fat?"

"High metabolism." Replied Nonette. "Why are you starving yourself?"

"Because…" _I'm worried about my age, my skin, and my beach model figure, idiot! _"I want to live a long healthy life."

"That's stupid." Nonette gulped down a glass of whole milk. "Chances are you'll get to say two lines in an episode late in the series before a protagonist blows you up. So there's really no point in trying to eat healthy."

"…What?"

"Never mind. Enjoy your melon balls."

Suzaku Kururugi, sitting several seats down, was oblivious to the exchange as he focused on mixing his natto, the slimy fermented soy beans that are a favorite of Tokyoites and a formidable deterrence to most foreigners, like Lord Luciano Bradley, who recoiled from the stringy, smelly mixture. The Knight laid down his breakfast bagel to cover his nose with a napkin. "Why does a royal vessel like the _Damocles_ stock nasty Eleven food like natto? It doesn't make any sense!"

Suzaku turned to his disagreeable colleague and smiled sweetly. "It makes perfect sense. Let me explain: You're the Knight of Ten."

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with…"

"And I'm the Knight of Seven. Seven outranks ten, which means you can kiss my skinny Eleven ass."

Jaws dropped around the table as the young Knight went back to stirring his natto while humming a commercial tune. Schneizel took a sip of his tea before addressing a flummoxed Luciano. "Don't take that to heart, Lord Bradley. He's always like that before he has his morning natto. He'll mellow out soon enough."

Breakfast resumed after the intensely awkward moment. Anya Alstreim sat before her breakfast, napkin neatly tucked around her neck and knife and fork in hand as she appeared to ponder the best way to attack the too-tall stack of waffles, covered in whip cream and runny with chocolate and cherry syrup. Finally, unwilling to order a booster seat, she settled on standing up in her chair. Gino, meanwhile, was struggling to contain his laughter from what he saw at the far end of the table: There, Bismarck Waldstein, the Knight of One, the man called the Emperor's Executioner, ate his breakfast of cocoa puffs in solemn silence.

He was also drinking strawberry milk, through a straw.

Gino was dying, and could not hold back any more. He nudged his vertically-challenged buddy. "Hey Anya, get a load of… Oww!"

The Knight of Three winced as his hand shot to his forehead. Looking down, he saw the offending projectile—a single coca puff—rolling on the floor. He glared down the table. "Hey! What was that for?"

Bismarck continued to eat his cereal. "You were making fun of my eating habits."

"I haven't even said anything yet!"

"You were about to. I saw, with my Geass."

"Now that's just… Oww! What now?"

"You were about to say a swear word."

Gino was livid. "Was not!"

"Was too."

"Was not!"

Dorothea interjected between sips of her juice. "Gino, stop arguing with the man who can see into the future. It's embarrassing."

"But it's not fair! He can't win arguments just by saying I'm about to do things before I do them."

"Yes he can. Why do you think he got that Geass in the first place?"

"So he could become the deadliest warrior in the world?"

"So he could anticipate Marianne's every move and know her actions ahead of time." Dorothea sighed deeply as she impaled a watermelon ball with her fork as though it were an enemy knightmare.

The Knight of One glanced at his old friend and colleague. "Say not another word, Dorothea."

Her fibrous meal—and reminder of her irrelevance to the plot and consequent expendability—had so depressed her, the Knight of Four was beyond caring. "Thought it would give him a leg up against Charles. You can see how well that worked out."

A deathly silence settled over the room. Bismarck slowly set down his spoon beside his cereal bowl. Suzaku, who had just started on his third helping, shot to his feet, his face fixed with determined purpose and his eyes aglow with an ethereal purple glint.

"I must survive!"

The Knight of Seven barreled through the eight-inch thick window made from space shuttle silica and began a long drop towards the Pacific Ocean, his sudden and dramatic departure breaking the tension in the room.

Nonette glanced around before breaking the silence. "Can someone explain to me what just happened?"

Gino tried to steal one of Anya's waffles but has his hand slapped away. "Just Suzaku being himself. He does that from time to time."

Monica, ever the sensitive one, filled in her baffled colleague. "Nonette, you may not know this because you've been busy over at Lost Colors, but Suzaku has some… issues: He's under the influence of a Geass that compels him to survive no matter the circumstance. It activates whenever he senses strong danger threatening his life."

"Kind of like Spiderman, except the Geass takes over his personality until the danger is dealt with."

The Knight of Nine remained unconvinced. "But he just leapt to his death. How is a 5,000 feet parachute-less skydive safer than sticking around a ticked off Bismarck and a whiny Dorothea?"

"Well…"

"I believe I can explain that." Schneizel replaced his teacup on his saucer for Kanon to refill.

"First of all, I can assure you that Suzaku is fine. He's survived much worse than a small dive in the pool. Second, after his condition was made known, some of us…" Here, the Chancellor paused and looked pointedly at Anya and Gino, who discovered a sudden interest in the tablecloth pattern, "…Some of us here felt they had discovered a new toy, and endeavored to 'Set Off' Suzaku at every opportunity; unbecoming behavior for a Knight of the Round, I must say. As a result, his condition has deteriorated considerably, and now the Geass kicks in even when the situation is merely unhealthy, not deadly."

"That explains a lot." Luciano nodded sagely. "Last week, when I was smoking in the bathroom, he appeared out of no where, snatched the cigar from my lips and flushed it down the toilet. I was so surprised I wasn't even angry."

Monica tapped her chin as she pondered. "Strange; Cecil gave me a basket of bran muffins she baked to share with everyone. I found Suzaku in front of the palace, but when he saw me, he hopped onto a nearby knightmare frame, dragged and threw the pilot out, then sped away. I can't imagine what could have set him off; Cecil's muffins are delicious, and good for you too!"

Anya shuddered as though recalling a deep-seated trauma; the others present at the table exchanged knowing glances. Schneizel then called the meeting back to order. "Anyways, since it may be some time before the Knight of Seven finds his way back, I propose we move forward with the day's agenda."

Servers promptly cleared the table, and the Chancellor continued. "Our focus topic for this retreat is this: How to defeat the growing rebellion in Area Eleven? As you know, the movement is led by my younger brother Lelouch, who is still mad at dad for what he did seven years ago. Lelouch also happens to be at that age where the effects of angst and hormones are at their peak, so while this whole thing may just be one of those phases that all teenagers go through, my brother has already caused so much damage with his mischief we cannot afford to wait to find out."

The Knights sat in silence. Their chancellor—widely considered one of the shrewdest minds in Britannia—had just informed them that a teenager threatened the stability of the Empire. Schneizel folded his hands beneath his chin. "Anyone?"

"We could kill him?"

Nonette crossed her arms. "Luciano, why does everything have to be about killing for you? Can't you come up with something different for once?"

The Knight of Ten's feelings appeared hurt. "Just trying to be helpful."

"Now, now. Lord Bradley, we appreciate your input. But I'm with Lady Enegram on this one: If there is some way for us to defeat my brother's rebellion without the use of violence, I am all ears."

This sounded like an impossible demand to Dorothea. "Have you tried talking him out of it?"

"Yes. He refused to listen."

"What if we kidnapped Princess Nunally and used her as a hostage?"

Schneizel frowned deeply at this proposition, for he knew what it was like to have a cute little sister to cuddle and fawn over and then to lose her—the day Cornelia stopped waking him from bed with kisses was the worst day of his life. He could never put Lelouch through that. "No."

"… and I want double cheese, mushrooms and anchovies, half-half."

Everyone at the table turned to the pink-haired Knight, who had her camera phone held to the side of her face. "What are you doing, Anya?"

"I'm ordering pizza."

"I don't think Pizza Hut can deliver to the _Damocles_."

"Round Table does. Thirty minutes or its free."

The Chancellor was impressed. Suddenly, a crystal chandelier lit up in the back of Schneizel's mind. He asked for and received Anya's phone with the other end still on the line. "Hello, operator? Please patch me through to your CEO. Tell him Schneizel El Britannia wishes to speak to him… No, I assure you Ma'am, this is not a prank call… Yes, I'll wait."

He turned and, finding quizzical looks from around the table, responded with a wink and a reassuring smile.

*****

_Three Months Later_

Lelouch Lamperouge marched through his subterranean headquarters in a fit; a month ago the Black Knights HQ was bustling with noise and activity, now his lonely footsteps echoed loudly off the cavern walls. The trouble began when funding from his corporate sponsors dried up. While he first dismissed the trend as part of a cyclical economic downturn, it quickly dawned upon him that things were much more serious than that.

As there was no way for him to raise additional revenue, he began cutting costs: Members of the Black Knights were asked to take one day unpaid vacation every week. They scaled back operations; no attacks on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. He began issuing I.O.U.s, and voices of discontent arose. He took out a loan on his KMF, the Shinkirou. He mortgaged the_ Ikaruga_. The last straw came when he cancelled dental benefits, which caused the trickle of deserters to turn into a flood. Now all that remained of the notorious Black Knights was a handful of diehards.

"Zero, Zero! Come quick!" It was Kallen, the most loyal of his followers.

The rebel leader followed his ace pilot into the abandoned situation room, where large screens displayed the desperate situation. Diethard Reid, reassuming his old job as television producer and reporter, stood in front of a remarkable scene: Britannians and Elevens joined by the thousands, lined up city block after city block, outside a pizza parlor.

"… _less than three months have passed since the chain formerly known as Round Table Pizza was acquired in an unprecedented move by the government. The franchise—renamed Knights of the Round Table Pizza—has thrived under new management with Chancellor Schneizel El Britannia serving as CEO and Chairman of the Board. A massive ad campaign starring members of the Knights of the Round has produced astronomical returns: Quarterly revenue has increased 300% and stock prices have doubled to reach historic highs. Knights of the Round Table Pizza's success has come at the expense of competitors like Pizza Hut, whose shares continue to plunge after experts lowered earnings forecasts for the third time in the past week…"_

Lelouch gripped the edge of his desk, unable to accept the reality of the situation: Could he have lost his war—his personal crusade for a kind, gentle world of peace (and Nunally)—over pizza? "I don't believe it."

Kallen had never seen her leader in such a distraught state; then again, never had they faced a crisis such as this. "This came yesterday in the mail."

Lelouch tore open the envelope and found a short one-page note typed on official corporate stationary; he read it aloud.

"Dear Zero, we regret to inform you that Pizza Hut is no longer able to support the rebellion. Yours truly, Pizza Hut."

Just then, one of the screens monitoring the various news outlets began to play a commercial that was the latest addition to Round Table's media blitz. In the sixty-second spot, members of the Knights of the Round ran along a sparkling beach in red hot lifeguard wear, a clear tribute to the famous opening sequence of _Bay Watch_, a classic TV show from the previous century. During the spot, the slow-motion camera captured alluring close-ups of the lady Knights as they glistened in the surf and sunlight. The camera then panned to Suzaku and Gino, dripping and topless as they emerged from the sea carrying their surfboards. Lelouch was pissed; Kallen was mesmerized. "That's actually kind of hot."

"Shut up!"

The music continued. Anya was shown building a sandcastle in a mini bathing suit. Luciano spiked a volleyball, his ripped abs captured on camera as he did so. Bismarck was seen lathering suntan lotion onto his Roman-statuesque body. In the final scene, Schneizel—dressed in white and mounted on a white horse with the sunset as his backdrop—rode towards the screen carrying a delivery box. Then, with a million-watt smile, he delivered the only spoken line in the entire commercial.

"Knights of the Round Table Pizza: We Support Britannia."

Lelouch drew his pistol and shot out the screen. Unfortunately, there were too many screens in the situation room, and he ran out of bullets. He threw his empty gun at a monitor, where it bounced off harmlessly. "This is nuts! The whole world is nuts! That commercial didn't even make sense! Just because the Knights of the Round are supermodels doesn't mean their pizza tastes good."

Lelouch's cell phone rang at that moment; it was from C.C., his annoying but trusted accomplice. "C.C.! Where are you? I haven't seen you in three days."

"_I'm in Pendragon, sitting in Schneizel's office."_

Lelouch paled beneath his mask; he was despondent when Toudou and Laksharta—who, reading the writing on the wall—left to find employment elsewhere, but this was the hardest blow yet. "No… You too, C.C.?"

"_I'm just calling to inform you that Knights of the Round Table Pizza is better. Their ingredients are fresher, their dough hand-knead and baked with love. I've tasted the difference and there's no going back. I'm sorry."_

She didn't sound very sorry; he could hear her munching loudly in between sentences. "But…"

"_Good luck with the rebellion, Lelouch. By the way, Schneizel wanted you to know that he just bought out Pizza Hut."_

_Click_

For several minutes Lelouch stood in silence, his head hung low. Kallen watched him with great concern and resisted the urge to give the poor resistance leader a hug. Finally, the frustration, anger, and grief boiled over. Zero, recognizing that his crusade was over, waved his clenched fist at the sky (or more accurately, the ceiling of his cave) and let out a cry from the depths of his wretched soul.

"SCHNEIZELLLLLLL!!!!!!"

******

"Achoo!"

"Bless you." C.C. looked across the table full of pizza to her new boss, the CEO of the Knights of the Round Table Pizza.

Schneizel dabbed at his nose with a neckerchief. "Thank you. How do you like the new pizza?"

C.C. looked down at her notes, which she had been keeping since she was made Chief Taste Tester. "The curry sauce is too strong and clashes with the parmesan cheese. We may have a winner though if curry powder was worked into the dough instead."

"I'll have the kitchen get right on it." After he placed the call, Schneizel returned his attention to the green-haired witch, whom he had enticed to switch sides with promise of unlimited, superior pizza. "I'm worried about Lelouch, do you think he'll be alright?"

C.C. did not even look up from her plate. "He's a strong boy. He'll get over it."

"I'm sure you're right."

Schneizel stood. Pushing open a pair of French doors, he walked onto a balcony that overlooked a flowering garden. The birds sang, the butterflies fluttered, and a flight of pure white doves took to the sky. He smiled; it was a beautiful day.

_The End._

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**Author's Notes: **This idea has been with me for over a year, but I did not put it down to paper until now. The challenge was, "how do I turn the phrase 'Knights of the Round Table Pizza' into an entire fic?" Turned out well, though. I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Until next time.


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